Saturday 31 December 2011

Fentonton. Population: 1

The prize for most rubbish New Year's Eve ever goes to this one, 2011.  It's only 2pm on the 31st, and I already know this new year "celebration" (yes, fucking air quotes) is going to suck worse than a Christmas without gifts.  Worse than dental work.  Worse than another Twilight film.

How can I know it will be so bad?  Well, I'm sitting in the kitchen of an otherwise empty house in Kent, stone sober, eating breakfast cereal.  My family, my dear beautiful wife and children, are at this moment working their way out of Brisbane airport.  That's how I know this New Year's will suck like a Justin Bieber/Jedward collaboration.

If it was a separation of only a few days, or even a couple of weeks, that wouldn't be so bad; but the solitary stretch I'm looking at is stretched out four long months.  That's so far past the horizon I can't know where it ends.

So, boo-hoo for me.  I shall celebrate the entry into 2012 (and yes, I nearly forgot: fuck you, 2011) by having a couple of beers, eating some ribs, and trying to be productive for the last few hours of the year.  Finish as you mean to go on, and all that.  And while I'm eating my Waitrose sad bastard meal for one, I will attempt to distract myself with activity, because if I keep staring at this gaping hole where my life used to be I might fall into it.  I come across one of the kids' toys, under the sofa or behind a door, and I feel my throat closing up.  I used to think "getting all choked-up" was just something people said, but it actually happens.  These human emotions, they also suck.

Where's that beer?

  

Saturday 12 November 2011

Rosen Trevithick - Straight Out of University

I was recently granted an interview by the gracious Rosen Trevithick, Cornish playwright and novelist par excellence.  Rosen is currently on the e-road promoting her latest novel, Straight Out of University.  Here's a bit about the book:



Sophie isn't exclusively gay, but when you're voted Ms Lesbian Oxford in your first year at university, it does put you under a certain amount of pressure.

Her university life is characterised by passionate love affairs, liberal activism and boundary-pushing theatre.

Nine years later, Sophie returns to her hometown in Cornwall, where girls are friends with girls, boys are friends with boys, and queer is an experience felt when you drink too much cider.

Sophie falls for John, a sensible, conservative male man with a fondness for cardigans, but can they overcome their cultural differences?


Interview:


Fentonton: Tell me a bit about Straight Out of University.

Rosen: It's a story about a bisexual woman suspended in the liberal university bubble for the best part of a decade. She's then thrown back into the real world with a jolt.

Fentonton: Any similarities between you and the MC, Sophie? You know … Were you ever voted Ms Lesbian Oxford?

Rosen: Ha ha! No, I wasn't. I did win a worst-dressed competition once in Oxford though, which is similarly prestigious, in my opinion.

Fentonton: Do you ever write while intoxicated, or always stone-sober?

Rosen: Sometimes there is a bag of chocolate next to me when I start writing, and when I stop, it's miraculously gone.

Fentonton: Do you think your story could be improved with the addition of vampires? Vampires still seem unreasonably popular, like goat cheese.

Rosen: Vampires are usually a vehicle for a bad-boy romance story. The leading man in my story wears a cardigan - even fangs couldn't make him edgy.

Fentonton: Do you like goat cheese?

Rosen: Yes, especially blended with whipped cream to make a mousse, then served with a little fresh basil pesto.

Fentonton: If you could choose between Katie Price, Justin Bieber and Louie Walsh, which one would you have killed?

Rosen: Well, I'm a pacifist so I shouldn't really kill anybody. However, Louie Walsh is on X-Factor, which is an enemy of the indie world, so he's asking for trouble...


Straight Out of University is available as an ebook on Amazon UK and Amazon US.

Monday 3 October 2011

Self-Promotion Sucks

It's hard work, and generally fruitless, and it agitates every humble nerve in my body.  Also, it's massively distracting.

After a month of trying to push Punchline, I have reached the following conclusions:

1. Giving away free copies is a double-edged sword, and a sharp one at that - readers might take up the free copy offer who wouldn't normally go within ten feet of your book.
2. Punchline is a Marmite book.  I've always suspected as much, and evidence observed so far seems to support that theory: two reviews from Goodreads readers, a five-star rating and a one-star rating.  The difference between not rating a book at all and giving it one star is equal to the difference between "didn't like it" and "hated it".
3. I have no idea where the market for Punchline hangs out, or if one exists.  I am my ideal buyer, but I don't like to hang around in crowds.
4. People on the Amazon US boards are considerably more hostile than those on the UK boards; but also more entertaining.
5. If I spend too much time fucking about with this at work, I will probably lose my job.

What I need to do, I think, is chill out for a bit on the promotional side and get back to some writing.

Sunday 18 September 2011

Tactics for Keeping Children in Bed

1. Rewarding good behaviour, e.g. "If you stay in your bed ALL NIGHT, we'll buy you the toy of the minute, as determined by Nick Jr."
RESULT: Fail. Children are incredibly stubborn and self-assured liars. "So are you going to buy me the toy today?" "No, you didn't stay in your bed." "Yes I did." "No you didn't, you're in our bed right now." "No I'm not."

2. Threats: "If you don't stay in your bed all night, you won't be going to that party tomorrow."
RESULT: Fail. Common response is, simply: "OK." But they don't stay. Damn.

3. Hostage-taking: "Stay in your bed or Mr Puppykins gets it ."
RESULT: Epic fail. Results in a lot of apology and begging for the child to stop screaming, and usually a trip to the shops the next day to buy the toy of the minute, as determined by Nick Jr. Bad parents.

4. Guilt Trip: "If you keep getting into our bed, Mummy will get sick because she won't get enough sleep to stay healthy."
RESULT: Fail. Kids really don't care.

5. Guilt Trip Extension: "And if Mummy gets sick, she won't be able to go out and get you the toy of the minute, as determined by Nick Jr."
RESULT: Fail. They still don't care.

6. Santa is watching.
RESULT: Fail. Despite pretence to the contrary, deep down, kids know where the presents really come from.

7. I'll tell your teacher.
RESULT: Fail. What the hell are you thinking? You know this is going to come right back to you via the teacher whose authority you're trying to hijack.

8. Strap them to the bed.
RESULT: Untested.

9. Vodka in the bedtime milk.
RESULT: Untested.


I am WIDE OPEN to suggestions people. Wide open.

Wednesday 14 September 2011

Give it away now ...

So I advertised a free offer, where anyone wanting a free copy of Punchline just sent an email with "Punchline" in the subject header. So far I've given away twenty or so copies. I hadn't reckoned on the spam filter though. I am getting really, really tired of checking my junk box.

Here's my solution:

I'm just going to post the link and the coupon code. Here it is:

Coupon code: HU35T

That coupon only runs to September 20th, so I'll need to update this with a new one after that.

I'm thinking about offering an incentive of some kind for folks to (a) pick up a free copy and (b) review it. Here's the plan: Buzzword Bingo! You know the game, you sit in a meeting and have your bingo card of popular meeting phrases, and someone always wins. Well, this would be like that, but for book reviews, except I create the bingo card, and whichever review gets first bingo they get a hundred dollar or fifty pound Amazon voucher. (Am I being a little hard on the value of the dollar there? Maybe.) I figure I'd need to line up a few ducks for that to happen:

1. Fora in which to advertise it
2. Possibly the OK from Amazon ... do I need a license to hold a contest?
3. A neutral party to "hold" the bingo card, for verification

It might seem desperate, but I'm simply trying to employ my never-used marketing major. The problem as I see it is that one feels less compelled to read a book if it was free. I myself have a few ARC's sitting in a storage container somewhere in the arse-end of London, their spines pristine. With my buzzword bingo plan, I figure it's a win-win situation. Participants get a free book and a shot at a prize, and I get read.

'Any thoughts?' he asks himself. He waits for a reply, like a religious nut-job waiting for a reply from a God who is too busy watching Jersey Shores to answer.

Tuesday 6 September 2011

Bohica Books


So, Punchline is now published (as an ebook) by Bohica Books. Who are Bohica Books?



Interested in reading a free copy? For a limited time, you can grab a free copy through Smashwords by sending an email to admin@bohicabooks.com. Just stick "Punchline" in the subject header.

Monday 7 February 2011

So much for focus

So, this thing hasn't exactly gone as planned. I know I said this blog wasn't going to be an unfocused ramble, a brain-dump, but ... once more, I've taken a notion to an unnecessary extreme.

Two posts in over a year. Wow, I've got so much to say.

It's not all my fault I haven't got around to posting -- there are a number of things I can blame for soaking up all my time:

1. Work
2. Family
3. The economy
4. Bit Torrent (not that I do that kind of thing)
5. My dog (every time I get on my laptop, he jumps up on my ... ahh, Jesus, get down Brubeck ... yes, you, you smell ... well, okay, just don't drool on the keyboard)
6. Sport on TV
7. The estate agents charged with trying to sell my house, who seem to believe everyone is perfectly cool with them trying to push down prices just so they can maintain their fucking volume, imbeciles! You're only hurting yourselves in the long-run! Sorry, they just piss off all the concentration right out of my head.
8. Lambeth Council (they are beyond blame for NOTHING)
9. Warm, delicious alcohol

You get the idea. I could go on ... Actually:

10. Justin Bieber. His whole breathing and living and walking around deal just fucks with my concentration.

There, I'm done. Sorry about that. Why am I even apologising? It's not like anyone's going to read this. Writing a blog is basically emotional hedging, anyway.

Position A: If I write something stupid (likely), it doesn't matter because I'm not famous and no-one reads this thing anyway, it's basically an online diary.

Position B: If I write something stupid, and lots of people read it because I am famous ... who cares? I'm famous! Woo-hoo!

I made a New Year's resolution back when it was an appropriate thing to do: I resolved to make January FiFuNoMo. Most people (by people I mean writers) have heard of NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month. FiFuNoMo is Finish the Fucking Novel Month. I tried to motivate myself. Surprisingly, it worked. Can February be SeFuNoMo (Sell the Fucking Novel Month)? I doubt it.

Maybe I'll just try to post more on the blog.