You Call That a Book Launch?

This is how I imagine my book launch would play out if I lived in North Korea:

ME: Is he watching?
MY WIFE: Is who watching?
ME: Glorious Leader.  Is he looking away?
MY WIFE: Well ... he appears to be looking the other way, but Glorious Leader sees and knows all, so I guess you're screwed on that.
ME: Shit.  Okay, okay, let me think.  Okay, here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to do it anyway.  I'm going to press the button.  I mean, what's the worst that could happen?
MY WIFE: You could be executed for dissidence, I suppose.
ME: Oh, thanks for the support.
MY WIFE: You asked for the worst.  Hey, maybe they'll just imprison you for life.
ME: Okay, I'm going to say something now which might shock you.  I don't believe Glorious Leader is omniscient.
MY WIFE: (gasps)
ME: I mean it, I don't think he knows everything.  Yesterday I kicked my toe on the dining table --
MY WIFE: You mean the wooden crate?
ME: Yes, the dining crate.  So I kicked my toe and I said, Glorious fucking Leader.
MY WIFE: (gasps)
ME: I know, right?  So I said that, and here I am, still walking around, free.
MY WIFE: Perhaps Glorious Leader is also merciful.
ME: No, he's a cock.
MY WIFE: (nods)
ME: There, I've done it.  I pressed the button.
MY WIFE: Well done dear.  And what has that done?
ME: It has published my novel as an e-book on Amazon, that's what!
MY WIFE: What's Amazon?
ME: You know, the global online retailer?  Biggest bookseller in the world?
MY WIFE: Biggest bookseller in the world except in North Korea, where only Glorious Leader has true access to the internet?  You mean that Amazon?  Honestly, I have no idea where your book has gone.
ME: So what, now it's lost, floating around somewhere in our disconnected national intranet?
MY WIFE: Unless the Secret Police set up a fake Amazon site to trap stupid dissidents.
ME: Oh, you are just a bottomless well of support, aren't you?  You're a pillar of strength, supporting me in my darkest hour.
MY WIFE: Don't mix your metaphors dear.  Look, maybe Glorious Leader is secretly interested in the creative output of the collective.  Maybe he wants to read your novel.
ME: Nah, he'd never read my book.
MY WIFE: Now who's being negative?  Why wouldn't he?
ME: It has vampires in it.  Glorious Leader hates vampires.

That's roughly how it went down, with two key differences: there are no vampires in my new novel, and my wife wasn't even in the country when I hit the button.  Upload book ... press "publish" ... now, shhhh.

CELLAR DOOR

Fentonton. Population: 1

The prize for most rubbish New Year's Eve ever goes to this one, 2011.  It's only 2pm on the 31st, and I already know this new year "celebration" (yes, fucking air quotes) is going to suck worse than a Christmas without gifts.  Worse than dental work.  Worse than another Twilight film.

How can I know it will be so bad?  Well, I'm sitting in the kitchen of an otherwise empty house in Kent, stone sober, eating breakfast cereal.  My family, my dear beautiful wife and children, are at this moment working their way out of Brisbane airport.  That's how I know this New Year's will suck like a Justin Bieber/Jedward collaboration.

If it was a separation of only a few days, or even a couple of weeks, that wouldn't be so bad; but the solitary stretch I'm looking at is stretched out four long months.  That's so far past the horizon I can't know where it ends.

So, boo-hoo for me.  I shall celebrate the entry into 2012 (and yes, I nearly forgot: fuck you, 2011) by having a couple of beers, eating some ribs, and trying to be productive for the last few hours of the year.  Finish as you mean to go on, and all that.  And while I'm eating my Waitrose sad bastard meal for one, I will attempt to distract myself with activity, because if I keep staring at this gaping hole where my life used to be I might fall into it.  I come across one of the kids' toys, under the sofa or behind a door, and I feel my throat closing up.  I used to think "getting all choked-up" was just something people said, but it actually happens.  These human emotions, they also suck.

Where's that beer?

  

Rosen Trevithick - Straight Out of University

I was recently granted an interview by the gracious Rosen Trevithick, Cornish playwright and novelist par excellence.  Rosen is currently on the e-road promoting her latest novel, Straight Out of University.  Here's a bit about the book:

Sophie isn't exclusively gay, but when you're voted Ms Lesbian Oxford in your first year at university, it does put you under a certain amount of pressure.

Her university life is characterised by passionate love affairs, liberal activism and boundary-pushing theatre.

Nine years later, Sophie returns to her hometown in Cornwall, where girls are friends with girls, boys are friends with boys, and queer is an experience felt when you drink too much cider.

Sophie falls for John, a sensible, conservative male man with a fondness for cardigans, but can they overcome their cultural differences?

Interview:

Fentonton: Tell me a bit about Straight Out of University.

Rosen: It's a story about a bisexual woman suspended in the liberal university bubble for the best part of a decade. She's then thrown back into the real world with a jolt.

Fentonton: Any similarities between you and the MC, Sophie? You know … Were you ever voted Ms Lesbian Oxford?

Rosen: Ha ha! No, I wasn't. I did win a worst-dressed competition once in Oxford though, which is similarly prestigious, in my opinion.

Fentonton: Do you ever write while intoxicated, or always stone-sober?

Rosen: Sometimes there is a bag of chocolate next to me when I start writing, and when I stop, it's miraculously gone.

Fentonton: Do you think your story could be improved with the addition of vampires? Vampires still seem unreasonably popular, like goat cheese.

Rosen: Vampires are usually a vehicle for a bad-boy romance story. The leading man in my story wears a cardigan - even fangs couldn't make him edgy.

Fentonton: Do you like goat cheese?

Rosen: Yes, especially blended with whipped cream to make a mousse, then served with a little fresh basil pesto.

Fentonton: If you could choose between Katie Price, Justin Bieber and Louie Walsh, which one would you have killed?

Rosen: Well, I'm a pacifist so I shouldn't really kill anybody. However, Louie Walsh is on X-Factor, which is an enemy of the indie world, so he's asking for trouble...

Straight Out of University is available as an ebook on Amazon UK and Amazon US.

Self-Promotion Sucks

It's hard work, and generally fruitless, and it agitates every humble nerve in my body.  Also, it's massively distracting.

After a month of trying to push Punchline, I have reached the following conclusions:

1. Giving away free copies is a double-edged sword, and a sharp one at that - readers might take up the free copy offer who wouldn't normally go within ten feet of your book.
2. Punchline is a Marmite book.  I've always suspected as much, and evidence observed so far seems to support that theory: two reviews from Goodreads readers, a five-star rating and a one-star rating.  The difference between not rating a book at all and giving it one star is equal to the difference between "didn't like it" and "hated it".
3. I have no idea where the market for Punchline hangs out, or if one exists.  I am my ideal buyer, but I don't like to hang around in crowds.
4. People on the Amazon US boards are considerably more hostile than those on the UK boards; but also more entertaining.
5. If I spend too much time fucking about with this at work, I will probably lose my job.

What I need to do, I think, is chill out for a bit on the promotional side and get back to some writing.

Scam Genius 4

Claim this $5.7 million ... or else!

The FBI are checkmating our mail, apparently.



--- On Thu, 22/9/11, Agent John Edward, wrote:

From: Agent John Edward,
Subject: Federal Bureau Of Investigation;;
To:
Date: Thursday, 22 September, 2011, 17:16

Federal Bureau Of Investigation

Intelligence Field Unit

J. Edgar Hoover Building

935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington , D.C.



Urgent Attention:



I am special Agent John Edward from the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) intelligence unit; we have just intercepted (2) trunk boxes at JFK airport New York , we are on the verge of moving them to our bureau head quarters. We started monitoring and checkmating movement of consignments after the killing of Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, many people are virtually involve in sponsorship of terrorism knowingly and unknowingly since they participate in unsolicited and security unchecked transactions which sometimes the aftermath effect of unclaimed funds becomes wheel power for terrorist sponsorship.



We have scanned those two trunk boxes and discovered the value is $5.7 Million Dollars and the backup document bears your name as the receiver of the money contained in the boxes and your email address is on the delivery manifest booklet plastered on the two trunk boxes , investigations / interrogation carried out on the diplomat that accompanied the boxes into the united states has it that he was to deliver this funds to your residence as payment which was due to you as unpaid lottery .Our priorities are tactically stated below. Some people have been victimizing over the years but our inception has corrected worst crime situations in and outside American



Protect the United States and the rest of the world from terrorist attacks (see counter-terrorism);Protect the United States against foreign intelligence operations and espionage (see counter-intelligence); Protect the United States against cyber-based attacks and high-technology crimes (see cyber-warfare); Combat public corruption at all levels;

Protect civil rights; Combat transnational/national criminal organizations and enterprises (see organized crime); Combat major white-collar crime; Combat significant violent crime; Support federal, state, local and international partners;



We checked all legal documents in the boxes, and were about to release the consignments to the diplomat, when we found out that the boxes lack two very important documents Legal Clearance Certificate and Fund Ownership Certificate which as a result, the boxes was kept under security vault until you provide those required compulsory demanded due process documents According to section 229 subsection 31 of the 1991 constitution in tax payment, your consignment lacks proof of ownership certificate and legal clearance certificate from the joint team of the IRS and homeland security, and there for, you must contact us for direction and advise on how to procure the certificates, so that you can be relieved of the charges of evading tax and consignment abandonment which is a punishable offense under section 12 subsection 441 of constitution on tax evasion and unsolicited movement of consignments to any country all over the world.



You are required within the next 72hours to secure those above mentioned certificates or face the legal consequence defined for such delivery infringement, to avoid interrogation and prosecution in the court of law for money laundry and sponsorship of terrorism. We have investigative jurisdiction over every crime both in and outside United States . Also, you must not contact any other bank or persons in Nigeria , the United Kingdom or any part of the world for any payment, because your payment is presently under our custody here in United States of America . Please don’t respond to any FBI message without this security code (FBI/WOR/CMM). We shall direct you on the process of who to contact after extensive investigation.



Yours in service



Agent John Edward,



Regional Director

Federal Bureau Of Investigation

Intelligence Field Unit

J. Edgar Hoover Building

935 Pennsylvania Avenue, Nw Washington , D.C.

20535-0001, USA

Scam Genius 3

This one is really special.

START SCAM

--- On Mon, 29/8/11, MATILDE ARIAS GONZALEZ wrote:

From: MATILDE ARIAS GONZALEZ
Subject:
To:
Date: Monday, 29 August, 2011, 8:00



Hello friend,

Firstly, I must solicit your confidence in this transaction; this is by virtue of its nature as being utterly confidential.Though I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make one apprehensive and worried, but I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day. You might not know the sender of this Mail but i got your E-mail when searching files on reputable
people online.I hope my email meets you well.I am Mrs Becky Marcus the wife of Mr Spencer Marcus.

I am married to Engineer Spencer Marcus an Englishman who is dead. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of 9 Million(Nine Million Great Britain Pounds Sterling which were derived from his vast estates and investment in capital market with a Bank In Asia,Presently,this money is still with the online bank.My Doctor told me that I have limited days to live due to the cancerous problems I am suffering from.

And now i have decided to donate the funds to you as a gift which comes from my husbands effort to fund the upkeep of widows, widowers, orphans, destitute, the down-trodden, physically challenged children,
Hope to hear from you soon and God bless you.

Regards,
Mrs Becky Marcus


AVISO LEGAL: El presente correo electronico no representa la opinion o el consentimiento oficial de la PONTIFICIA UNIVERSIDAD JAVERIANA. Este mensaje es confidencial y puede contener informacion privilegiada la cual no puede ser usada ni divulgada a personas distintas de su destinatario. Esta prohibida la retencion, grabacion, utilizacion, aprovechamiento o divulgacion con cualquier proposito. Si por error recibe este mensaje, por favor destruya su contenido y avise a su remitente.
En este aviso legal se omiten intencionalmente las tildes.

Este mensaje ha sido revisado por un sistema antivirus, por lo que su contenido esta libre de virus.
This e-mail has been scanned by an antivirus system, so its contents is virus free.

END SCAM

Scam Genius 2

START SCAM

From: Robert S. Mueller III
Subject: OFFICIAL LETTER FROM FBI DATED: 3RD/09/11
To:
Date: Saturday, 3 September, 2011, 18:06

EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR FBI
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI.WASHINGTON DC.
FBI SEEKING TO WIRETAP INTERNET.

Attn: Beneficiary,

We the Federal bureau of investigation (FBI) Washington, DC in conjunction with some other relevant security Agencies here in the United states of America have recently been informed through our Global intelligence monitoring network that you presently have a transaction going on with the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN), regards to your over-due contract payment Which was fully endorsed in your favor accordingly.

It might interest you to know that we have taken our time in screening through this contract payment notification as stipulated on our protocol of operation, and have finally confirmed that your contract payment is 100% genuine and legal with due process of law, and it is as well free from all illegal activities, which you have the lawful right to claim your fund without any further delay. Having said all this, we will further advise, that you should go ahead in dealing with the Central Bank office accordingly as we will be monitoring all their services accordingly with our intelligent monitoring network device, and with your cooperation.

Furthermore, we want to place this on your notice that we recently had a meeting with the Executive Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria, in the person of Mr. Sanusi Lamido Sanusi and Mr. Kingsley Chimezie along with some of the top officials of the Ministry regarding your case and they made us to understand that your file has been held in abase depending on when you personally come for the claim. They also told us that the only problem they are facing right now is that some unscrupulous element are using this project as an avenue to scam innocent people off their hard earned money by impersonating the Executive Governor and the Central Bank office.

We were also made to understand that a lady with name Mrs. Joan C. Bailey from OHIO and another person named as Mr. Machovina Wachovia who reside in Missouri as well has already contacted them and also presented to them all the necessary documentations evidencing your claims, claiming to have been signed personally by you prior to the release of your contract fund valued at about US$10,000,000.00 (Ten million united states dollars), but the Central Bank office did the wise thing by insisting on hearing from you personally before they go ahead on wiring your fund to the Bank information which was forwarded
to them by the above mentioned names, the main reason, we the federal bureau of investigation were contacted by the CBN is to assist them on making some investigation regards to this issue.

They further informed us that we should inform our citizens, who must have been informed of the contract payment which was awarded to them from the Central Bank of Nigeria, to be very careful prior to these irregularities so that they don't fall victim to scam. We the FBI are instructing you personally, that if you were already dealing with anybody or office claiming to be from the Central Bank of Nigeria, you are further advised to STOP further contact with them in your best interest and then, contact immediately the real office of the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) only with the below information accordingly:

NAME: MR. SANUSI LAMIDO SANUSI
OFFICE ADDRESS: PRESIDENCY OFFICE OF THE PAY MASTER
GENERAL OF THE FEDERATION AND
SPECIAL ADVISER TO THE PRESIDENT
ON FINANCIAL MATTERS
TINUBU SQUARE,
LAGOS NIGERIA
Email: cbnonline.ng2012@gmail.com
TEL: +234-702-676-6327

NOTE: In your best interest, any email or fax that doesn't come from the above official email address or addresses and phone number should not be replied to and should be disregarded accordingly for security reasons. Meanwhile, we will advise you to contact the Central Bank office immediately with the above email address and request that they attend to you payment file as directed so as to enable you receive your contract fund accordingly.

Ensure you follow all their procedure as required by them in order to hasten up the effective procedures, of transferring your funds to you as designated by you. Also have in mind that the Central Bank of Nigeria equally has their own protocol of operation as stipulated on their banking realm, so any delay could be very dangerous. Once again, we will advise you to contact them with the above email address and make sure you forward to them all the necessary information which might be required from you prior to the release of your fund.

All modality has already been worked out even before you were contacted and note that we will be monitoring all your dealings with them as you proceed so you don't have anything to worry about. All we require from you henceforth is an update so as to enable us be on track with you and the Central Bank of Nigeria. Without wasting much time, will want you to contact them immediately with the above email address so as to enable them attend to your case accordingly without any further delay as time is already running out.

Should in case you need any more information in regards to this notification, feel free to get back to us so in order to brief you more, because we are here to guide you and serve you better during and after this contract fund has been completely perfected and you have received your contract fund as stated. Thanks, for your anticipated cooperation in advance as we earnestly await your urgent response to this matter. Kindly get back to me after communicating with CBN.

Best Regards,

Robert S. Mueller III
Federal Bureau of Investigation
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C.
20535-0001, USA

END SCAM